Welcome to No, Seriously... I'm Jen Logan. These are my adventures, experiences and opinions. If you are new to the site and can't decide if you want to send me gifts because you think I am so awesome, or send my husband an escape plan because you feel so bad for him - I recommend a few stories to get to know me.

I listen to great music! I also remember pretty much every life event I have had by what music was streaming in my head at the time.

I screw things up a lot! I'm okay with this. The more you screw things up, the less people ask you to do. The things I am good at, I'm pretty damn good at.

My husband is a saint! He truly is. He has stuck it out with me for almost thirteen years now.

Being a parent is the greatest gift in the World! It is also the messiest and scariest gift I have ever received.

Mother

Mother

I was watching the news this morning and there was a story about how a toddler was injured at a playground that caught my interest. In the preview they kept showing a picture of a young mom sitting on a slide with her toddler on her lap, all smiles. I was already thinking that the mom was probably the one who accidentally injured the child, and sure enough when the story aired, it was the mom's fault - although the story wanted to somehow blame playgrounds as a whole. The mom went down the slide with the child in her lap and halfway down the kid's leg got stuck on the side of the slide and broke. Things happen....

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Girlfixer

Girlfixer

My daughter was looking through some of my old yearbooks last weekend. As I flipped the pages and looked at pictures of my class, I was a little shocked at how few of my classmates I remembered. I was also shocked that when I saw the picture of one particular girl I was brought right back to being a twelve year old girl and wanting to rip someone's head off. Not so shockingly, it wasn't even the girl, it was her mother. I went to a very small school. There were less than 15 students in my grade and most of us had been in school together since we were very young. One girl that I was good friends with wore...

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Love Cats

Love Cats

Every child in my daughter's class got a new pet last year. This is what I hear at least. I know of at least three that did in fact get a dog in the past year. But I'm pretty sure the majority of the remaining twenty two first graders did not get a new pet. Unfortunately, this is the one area where my kid wants to be just like the other kids and now she wants a pet. She initially asked for a puppy but quickly decided that a kitten would be a better choice based on the ease of poop retrieval. We went through all of the things she would have to do to care for a kitten and she feels strongly that she is capable of...

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Mother of the Year Part Eleven Million

Mother of the Year Part Eleven Million

I finally did it - the thing every parent dreads and hopes never happens to them. I forgot to pick up my kid from school. Actually, her grandparents didn't pick her up from school, but it was my fault. She had a noon dismissal on Friday and I didn't let my parents know so they showed up to pick her up at her normal dismissal time and found an empty parking lot. I actually called my mother at 1:30 to remind her that they were picking up at 3 that day. My poor child had already been sitting around for an hour and a half by that time. She was probably already four shades of pink from the hot weather and sun...

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Little Trouble Girl

Little Trouble Girl

When my husband and I were first married we lived in a little house in a neighborhood that was headed into economic hardship. We lived directly across the street from a condo complex that included government subsidized housing. There lived little old ladies, single moms with gaggles of small children and our favorite resident who we called "Cracky". She was a middle aged woman who rarely left her front porch but had many visitors. She spent most days - both warm and cold - sitting in her front yard with a tumbler full of booze in her right hand and a cigarette in her left. Mullet and mustache sporting men moved...

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Stay Off My Lawn!

Stay Off My Lawn!

We have a lawn service. They are inexpensive since they handle a lot of the homes in our neighborhood. Because of this I never complain about the little things that bother me. Sure, I swear under my breath when they show up before 8 am on saturday most weeks but I don't complain. I just shake my head and throw my hands in the air while watching the tweenage boy handling the weed wacker, occasionally beheading my flowers as he wildly swings the machine that weighs more than him around like a golf club, but I don't complain. I don't even complain that every year I have to remind them to mow the hump in our front...

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The Payoff

The Payoff

My daughter would make a natural politician. She has the gift of gab, she can manipulate the stripes off a zebra and when all else fails, she knows that most problems can be solved with cold hard cash. She has been attempting to use this last technique to avoid doing anything she doesn't want to do lately. Last week I told her to get ready to go to the gym. She explained that it wasn't a good time for her since her friend doesn't go on Tuesdays. When I told her she would have plenty of other kids to play with, she waved a $5 at me and said "you can have THIS if you let me stay home from the gym!" When I asked...

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Wanna Go For a Ride?

Wanna Go For a Ride?

Practice makes perfect right? There is usually a positive correlation between the number of times you do something and your ability to do it. Driving seems to not follow this rule. Like dancing or listening, it seems to be something you are either good at or not. Practice may help, but if you are one of those bad drivers I see on the road every day, you are never going to be good at it, no matter how many hours you spend behind the wheel. You may become barely competent at best. Taxi drivers are a pretty good example of this theory. They spend more hours behind the wheel than they do on their feet in any given...

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Material Girl

Material Girl

I placed an indefinite moratorium on toy purchases until my child starts enjoying doing things more than buying things. It may be a long time before anything made of plastic is paid for with plastic. We went to the zoo over the weekend and all she wanted to do was check out the gift shops and food stands. She literally walked right by two anteaters without blinking on her way to a bin of stuffed polar bears. How do you walk right by an anteater? It's like a saw horse wearing a shawl. Which end is which? During her three hour quest for cheesy popcorn and anything stuffed or remotely shiny she did stop to see...

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Dance Yourself Clean

Dance Yourself Clean

Cleaning is not my favorite thing to do. In fact, it is something I dislike so much that I am willing to pay someone else to do it, which is exactly what I did until recently. It was decided that since I am now home more that there is no need to pay someone else to clean our house. I must have been daydreaming during this decision making process because there is no way I would voluntarily agree to get on my hands and knees and scrub my kitchen floor. I literally have a recurring nightmare about cleaning the toilet and the cleaning brush flicking little bits of toilet scum into my mouth. I would never knowingly...

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