Pandemic Vacation

Pandemic Vacation

My daughter has spent the last six months mentioning how we haven't been to Disney World in "forever" which is the equivalent of three years. Every time she said this I mentioned that if she remembered going a few years ago that it clearly hasn't been that long. But apparently I am highly susceptible to brainwashing because about two months ago I started feeling like we hadn't been to Disney World in forever. I always knew I would make a great cult member. So I booked a trip for her birthday which just happened to fall on a Monday after a long weekend for parent-teacher conferences. It was like the universe was...

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Dr. Feelgood

Dr. Feelgood

My daughter had her first wellness checkup in two years last week. We had switched pediatricians a few years ago after I got fed up with the snarky receptionist at the office we had been going to for the first seven years of my daughter's life. We made it to her seven year wellness visit at the new office and haven't gone back since. I'm not anti-doctor, but I view them the same way I view the police, only contact them when necessary. Since my kiddo has remained relatively healthy over the past few years, we really had no reason to visit our new doctor. I was feeling pretty proud of myself for getting my...

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You Can’t Sit With Us

You Can’t Sit With Us

Little girls are supposed to be full of sugar and spice, but a lot of them are full of piss and vinegar. I volunteer at my daughter's school for lunch and recess once a week and I see a lot of sugar and a lot of vinegar. It's always comical to me when I see the girls who try to show me how sweet they are while spitting venom at half of the kids around them. When my daughter was in first grade a new girl entered her class like a little lightening rod of drama. She told fantastic stories about having to fly to Paris for the weekend for her father's wedding and how her brother got drunk on church wine at his first...

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Miss Communication

Miss Communication

It's amazing what you can learn on a seven minute drive. Every morning I feel like I gain a wealth of knowledge from my 8 year old passenger. Most of this knowledge is about the best books in the orange dot level at the library or which girl's feelings were hurt because another girl didn't want to sit with her at lunch. I get the gossip about who may or may not have had lice and who is telling people she is related to Beyonce (she isn't). I rarely get information I can share at a dinner party. I am always looking for this type of data since I suck at small talk. My conversation starters are usually "So, who is...

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The Girl at the Rock Show

The Girl at the Rock Show

My daughter's first concert was at an outdoor venue a few months after her 3rd birthday. My husband and I took her to see Vampire Weekend since they were one of her favorite bands. She still likes them and walks around the house howling along to White Sky fairly often. Tour dates were just announced for the 2020 Vampire Weekend tour so I thought she may like to see them again. When I asked her if she wanted to go she had several questions including if it was at an indoor or outdoor venue, what time they would take the stage and if the seats were up close. After much deliberation her final answer was a firm...

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Elf on a Shelf

Elf on a Shelf

It snowed a few days ago, and buckets of that white stuffed poured on us for a full day. While my daughter was home for a snow day, she decided that it was the perfect time to decorate for Christmas. In theory, it wasn't a horrible time, but I had literally just taken down our Halloween decorations the day before and we still have pumpkins and cobwebs on the porch. My house is like a holiday mullet with pumpkins in the front and santa in the back. Plus, all day I had been laughing at memes on social media saying things like "Snow in November happens because people decorate for Christmas prematurely. You know...

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Queenie

Queenie

We cut our cable a few years ago and haven't really missed it. Well, the adults in the household haven't missed it. Our 8 year old thinks we are torturing her by depriving her of 30 channels of cartoons. Nevermind that we have a hard drive connected to our television so she can watch one of 500 movies and television shows at any time. The only time the cable ban really becomes an issue is when a new movie is released on the Disney channel, which is exactly what happened last week. When I picture myself in prison (thanks to Orange is the New Black) it's usually for murder or drug smuggling, not pirating movies...

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Keeping up with the Amish

Keeping up with the Amish

At the beginning of the summer I had all kinds of plans for my child. Some of the plans were just for fun, like spend a day at the zoo and check out the zip lining place that we've been meaning to check out for two summers. Other plans were more practical, like teach my kid how to tie her damn shoes already. Sometimes I am amazed at my laziness as a parent when it comes to the little things. My husband likes to remind me that our child has been cooking since she was four and reading a year later. But I still cringe when I think about the things she can't do, like tie her shoes, ride a bike unassisted or roller...

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Consequences

Consequences

Family vacations are always a mix of pure joy and total exhaustion. Children don't acclimate to new settings as quickly as adults so their reactions to pretty much everything are usually a little over the top. They are like little ping pong balls bouncing back and forth between bliss and terror. My mini-me is usually on the verge of wetting her pants with excitement or trying to find a safe place because the sky is falling. Also, once she is excited, there is very little slowing her down. She is like a tiny energizer bunny. Unfortunately, her recovery time from a walk into terror town is of similar length. We...

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Humility is Not a Four Letter Word

Humility is Not a Four Letter Word

I know one thing to be true. Just when you are convinced your child is a genius, they will do something to completely shatter that belief. The universe has a way of keeping the perceptions of parents in check and it usually involves shaking the pedestal they are standing on after their child does something wonderful. Over the weekend we attended a church service where my eight year old daughter read the prayers of the faithful. It was a long reading with a lot of unfamiliar words, but she nailed it. She did such a fantastic job that the priest actually paused afterward to commend her. He said she should be a...

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