Danger Kitty

I’m pretty sure my youngest cat is trying to off himself. Although I have to wonder if cats possess the cognitive ability to have suicidal ideation, the drama queen in me says I need to immediately search for a kitten therapist. I think he might low-key hate himself for what an asshole he is to his big brother on a daily basis. Or maybe he is just like a little teenager running at full speed without a thought about where he’ll end up. I feel like every week I have to save this little daredevil from himself. Between untangling him from various cords and twine, and literally talking him off ledges, my hands are full babysitting a one year old cat.

This all started a few months ago when I found him hanging off his cat tree with the cord for the blinds wrapped around his neck. I thought it may have been an accident but when i untangled him, he immediately dove back in and tightened the make-shift noose. This continued for days until I wrapped the cord around the curtain rod, taking it out of his reach.

Shortly after his first hanging attempt, psycho kitty began walking on the outside of the banisters on the staircase and the hallway above the family room. Daily, he stands above us meowing and lunging toward the edge. I have had to pull him back from the edge by his tail on more than one occasion and I am fairly certain it is only a matter of time before he takes a leap onto the couch. He has been testing his jumping skills as well by flinging himself from the top of his cat tree to a curtain rod that is nine feet above the ground. The first time he did this, I tried to rescue him from falling, but he dove over me back into a cat bed five feet below him. He has continued to practice his tight rope walking skills while meowing for me to come watch like a toddler.

After hanging and jumping failed, he moved on to choking and poisoning. This cat doesn’t sniff and lick things before swallowing them whole, he just goes for it. A week ago I heard him barfing up something in the kitchen and ended up having to chase him to yank a giant piece of twine that was hanging from his mouth. As I pulled, a knotted ball of black twine came straight out of his throat followed by a puddle of saliva. A foot away was a tangle of beige twine the size of a peach. I don’t even know where he would have found twine, but he gets into cabinets and drawers by himself with ease. In between trying to strangle his own intestines, he is scarfing down the two plants in the house that could kill him. He literally leaves every other plant other than the two poisonous ones alone. He’s like a moth to a flame with lilies. Even when I move the plants out of his reach, ninja cat finds a way to get to them.

I was trying not to read too much into these behaviors, but this cat is either suicidal or stupid, and he has proven to be far too clever to be stupid. In fact, he is so clever that he stares right at me while doing something he knows he shouldn’t be. Maybe he is like a little teenager, believing he is invincible. Just in case he does have suicidal tendencies, I have been whispering positive affirmations in his ear in the morning and cuddling him. Every morning he hears “you are loved and lovable, you are worthy of your perch, you are impeccably groomed, you are worthy of all the treats…” If Brody hadn’t already turned e into a crazy cat lady, Rollins most certainly has.

*I wrote this mostly while listening to Sinead O’Connor after reading her memoir over the weekend.