Elf on a Shelf

Elf on a Shelf

It snowed a few days ago, and buckets of that white stuffed poured on us for a full day. While my daughter was home for a snow day, she decided that it was the perfect time to decorate for Christmas. In theory, it wasn't a horrible time, but I had literally just taken down our Halloween decorations the day before and we still have pumpkins and cobwebs on the porch. My house is like a holiday mullet with pumpkins in the front and santa in the back. Plus, all day I had been laughing at memes on social media saying things like "Snow in November happens because people decorate for Christmas prematurely. You know...

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All In a Row

All In a Row

Life would be easier if everyone would just do what I tell them to. When my family and friends are acting exactly as I want them to, things run smoothly. It's when my cast goes off script that the wheels come off the wagon. I am a recovering control freak. It's a condition I have been afflicted with my entire life. I think everyone is born with it. I mean babies are the biggest control freaks on the planet. They want what they want, when they want it and they are going to scream and cry until they get it. Some of us just never outgrow that phase of life I guess. I am one of those people. Although now I don't...

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Can I Scream?

Can I Scream?

Have people developed an aversion to headphones recently? I have been noticing more and more people watching streaming content on their phones and tablets at the gym without using headphones. They have the volume cranked up like they are lounging on their couch in their underwear, completely unconcerned about whether or not their noise is bothering anyone else. Several years ago when my husband and I were in Atlantis, we were walking through the aquarium when an even trashier version of the cast of Jersey Shore came strolling through the halls. They were blasting music from a boom box hoisted on one of the...

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In the Thick of It

In the Thick of It

A friend of mine recently told a story about being the only mom participating in an activity while other moms sat back watching. She was on vacation, in the ocean taking a surf lesson with her husband and kids. Other moms sat on the beach taking photos and watching while their families had an adventure. The women  documented the event as their families experienced it. Her daughter noticed the anomaly and pointed it out. The tween asked why her mom was not doing what the other moms were doing (or not doing). In this story, the mom explained that she was in the water because she had recently gotten into better...

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It’s Raining Men

It’s Raining Men

I went to a male review this weekend. The word review has a bad connotation for me. I think of my former job and the dreaded performance reviews that were meaningless and painfully boring. The feeling that comes along with that word has not changed - I still feel a little nauseous, and now maybe like I need a shower. I'm also a little confused about why these shows are called a review. I didn't get any score card to fill out. Maybe it is more of a review for the audience about what the correct body parts are or what a guy is supposed to look like naked. Either way, review is not a word that makes me jump up and...

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Pump It Up

Pump It Up

I gained five pounds. While getting changed into my bathing suit at the gym I discovered exactly where the five pounds are located and all five are trying to squeeze into my bikini top. Of course the pounds are also not evenly distributed. Go figure. When I made this discovery, I of course snapped a photo and texted it to my husband. These are the kinds of texts he gets from me frequently. He should consider himself lucky that he isn't getting shots of the new mole I have on my shoulder or what appear to be stretch marks on my right thigh. I have been told that people don't start sharing questionable moles and...

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I Like Food

I Like Food

I very rarely eat fast food. Questionable animal parts in a grease soaked bag is not my idea of tasty. I have an occasional breakfast from a cheap eats establishment before an early morning flight, or pick up a burger and frosty for my daughter after she badgers me for three weeks and I can use it to bribe her into doing a chore without complaining, but those events are few and far between. I can count on my hands the number of times I have ordered food through a little speaker and was able to pay for a meal for three with a twenty dollar bill. I didn't always have an aversion to fast food. As a matter of fact,...

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Am I Demon

Am I Demon

I don't know why I always identify with the villain, but since I was a kid I have always felt a certain camaraderie with the "bad guy". I have always been drawn to people who are clever and ingenious. I like someone who is quick witted and a little cynical and if he can con Kanye West into shutting his egomaniac piehole for 30 seconds, even better. That kind of magic is like watching the Sistine Chapel being painted. Unfortunately, this kind of artistry is rarely used for good. It's always the villains who possess these qualities in books and movies. When I was a small child I was never a big fan of fairy...

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Trouble-Maker

Trouble-Maker

I was talking to a girlfriend today who is making a bad choice but doesn't really care. She is dating a guy who she knows is bad for her but she can't seem to stay away from him. My response to her was "Well, I know ice cream is bad for me, but sometimes I just really need to eat some ice cream." My friends seem to talk to me when they want the okay to do something bad. I am always the one that will support their decision to live a little dangerously. Sleep with the bad boy? Go for it! Quit your stable job to do something you love that pays dirt? You only live once! Let the kids stay with their grandparents to...

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That Gym Scent

That Gym Scent

My gym is pretty eclectic. I can start a work-out on an elliptical machine next to a twenty five year old body builder and end it next to an eighty year old heart patient. One thing they all have in common is an aroma that I don't want to inhale twice. I get it, you work out, you sweat. I'm pretty sure I don't smell like a big bunch of roses after my workout. So last week when a middle aged man jumped on the machine next to me and I caught a big whiff of wonderful, I almost flew right over my handlebars. It was as if he had just walked out of a dryer, all fresh and full of fabric softener. It wasn't a scent I...

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