Houdini

Houdini

Our indoor cat has decided he would like to transform into an outdoor cat. Unfortunately for him, I disagree. So the battle has begun and I am apparently not as smart as a cat (go figure). He has been outside at least a dozen times in the past week. Every time I open a door, he tries to bolt outside. This is especially tricky when my kid is walking in from school with a backpack, lacrosse stick, water bottle and multiple layers of clothing shed throughout the day. We had developed a strategy where I walked in first to block and then she followed. This worked exactly twice and since then the little furball has...

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Firestarter

Firestarter

My husband mentioned last week that it had been awhile since I set a stove on fire. I don't know why or how it came up, but it was a valid comment since I have, in fact, incinerated a few stoves and ovens in my day. But with that comment, he inflicted a curse on our house. The following day my dryer turned off by itself after running for five minutes and when I opened the door, I was greeted by the smell of burning plastic/wires/electronics/etc... This is a smell I know well.We called a repairman out to have a look and we were informed that the repair of our 10 year old dryer would run us somewhere between...

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Redemption Song

Redemption Song

My daughter is making her first reconciliation this week. For you non-guilt-ridden-catholics, this is the act of confession. We have been discussing this sacrament since she made her first communion a few years ago. Every time she is a little asshole to me or her father I tell her she may want to add that to the list. Until recently she claimed she had nothing to confess. She sounds like her grandfather who claims to go to confession just to chat with the priest since he has no sins to repent for. I know both of them too well to believe either of them and I think they may want to add lying to their lists as...

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Neighbors

Neighbors

I have become the neighborhood crazy lady. It seems like since I left my 9 to 5 and started working from home that I have become increasingly more aware of my neighbors, and what they are doing. Until about a year ago we already had a neighborhood busy body but she moved away, apparently leaving the position open for me. I am now acutely aware of my neighbors’ coming and goings, as well as all of their bad habits. They should all be grateful that I am not on the homeowner’s association board. More accurately, they should be thanking sweet baby Jesus that I have not yet convinced my husband to doctor me up some...

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Get Out of My Sandbox

Get Out of My Sandbox

I do not work well with others. Generally I find people annoying, so having to rely on them to complete a task is a real chore for me. I am in school again, and the program I am in apparently requires me to work with others quite a bit. I have collaborated well for the most part. I haven't lost my shit on anyone...yet... but some projects are more difficult than others. Group papers are especially challenging. I have come to the conclusion that in any group paper situation, when the group consists of more than three people, you end up with a problematic character.  I had a group paper last semester which was...

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Die, Die My Darling

Die, Die My Darling

While boating the other day, I told my dad we were trying to kill him. An hour later my husband and dad almost killed me. Karma sometimes acts pretty quickly. Seriously karma, I was just kidding! Not that my husband trying to kill me is anything new. In fact, I'm pretty sure he has been working on a plan since the day we were married based on the amount of "accidents" I have had in the last 16 years. I am going to ignore the fact that I am accident prone here. Let me start by saying that my kid and I are daredevils. When it comes to dangerous activities, we are all in. So needless to say, when we go rafting, we...

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Sad Semester

Sad Semester

There are many reasons I send my child to someone else during the day to learn her three Rs. I don't understand new math, I don't explain things well, I need to look at a map to tell you where Nebraska is and I can't figure out which fingers go on which holes on that godawful instrument called a recorder. But at the very top of the list of why homeschooling is not a good idea for this family is because after three days of too much time learning together, we all want to murder each other. Strangely, I am more of the victim in this situation than the instigator. If I were my daughter's real teacher, she would be...

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Pandemic Vacation

Pandemic Vacation

My daughter has spent the last six months mentioning how we haven't been to Disney World in "forever" which is the equivalent of three years. Every time she said this I mentioned that if she remembered going a few years ago that it clearly hasn't been that long. But apparently I am highly susceptible to brainwashing because about two months ago I started feeling like we hadn't been to Disney World in forever. I always knew I would make a great cult member. So I booked a trip for her birthday which just happened to fall on a Monday after a long weekend for parent-teacher conferences. It was like the universe was...

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Adventures on the High Seas (or something like that…)

Adventures on the High Seas (or something like that…)

It's been awhile since I have written about our lake experiences. This isn't because we haven't had any, I have just been giving my dad a little break from the abuse I dish out when it comes to boat stories. But alas, there are too many stories to share about the captain and his high seas adventures, so my hiatus is over. If you are reading this, Old Man, just turn off the computer now and go back to watching ESPN or Sherlock Holmes, or anything else. Just avert your eyes from the screen if you can't figure out how to turn off the computer. For future reference, you can just close the lid and this will all go...

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Freshman

Freshman

I am a freshman, again. I am living proof that if you don't get it right the first time, you can just keep going back and trying again. I have been a freshman a handful of times now. What can I say, I like school. That, or I like the idea of a profession much better than I actually like working, so I keep changing fields. I am sticking with the notion that I am just thirsty for knowledge and on a constant joyful quest to better myself. I am in graduate school again and I am finally attending a school where my Dad received a large portion of his education. The Old Man went to half the schools in the state of...

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