Kiss With A Fist

Kiss With A Fist

Believe it or not, when I was a little kid, I was super shy. I didn't really blossom until second grade when I changed schools. But, my first two years in school were pretty hellish, mostly because I was small and shy, and therefore, easy prey for the bullies of the public school system. Oh yeah, and I was smart. Smart enough that my teachers were somewhat frustrated with the fact that I already knew how to do a lot of the things they were supposed to be teaching me how to do. I was not particularly popular with my classmates or the teachers. I remember riding my bike to school one time when I was in first...

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She’s a Supermodel

She’s a Supermodel

I took my daughter to get her hair cut last weekend. She has ridiculously thick, curly hair. It is beautiful, but when it gets too long it gets tangles. Some are so bad that it looks like she is working on some natural dreadlocks. One day I expect her to walk out of her room with a crocheted beanie on saying "Ya mon." Her hair is hard for me to deal with since I have the exact opposite hair. Mine is thin, soft and fine, much like an infant's. We spend a lot of mornings fighting over the maintenance of the nest attached to the back of her head. I explain to her that even if she can't see the back of her head it...

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Not a Hairpiece

Not a Hairpiece

If I have learned one thing as a parent it is that anything I say that I do not want repeated will be repeated, and probably in public. Having a child is a lot like having a parrot. A very drunk parrot. Since I am usually the parent listening in horror as my child talks about the lazy neighbor who never brings in his recycling bin in front of said neighbor, I am always amused to hear other people's children do the same thing. Luckily I get to hear all kinds of amusing bits of information from kids every week. I tutor first through sixth graders one day a week for an hour, and I am pretty sure I learn more from...

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I Can’t Quit You

I Can’t Quit You

We finally cancelled our gym membership after complaining about the place for a year. We were paying a small fortune to change in filthy locker rooms, shower with mold and get hit on by hairy old fat men in the co-ed sauna. I know that last one might seem like a perk to some people, but seriously, I have been given the head to toe eyeball by an old man that I thought was wearing a sweater in the sauna. It was, in fact, just back hair. Not just any back hair - grey back hair, and lots of it. At least I didn't have to see him later in the locker room, unlike my husband. When I went to the membership desk to...

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Ground Control to Major Tom

Ground Control to Major Tom

I am a firm believer in the idea that you do good things and you are rewarded. Today I was running errands with my mom. We are both members of a women's organization that does volunteer work in our community. One of the projects we are working on requires us to set up artificial Christmas trees in public areas with a sign attached asking people to "decorate" them with hats and scarves and socks for people in need. We collect all of the donations over the holiday months and distribute them to different homeless shelters, group homes and warming centers. Today was the day we went to dismantle the trees and store...

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Holiday in the Sun

Holiday in the Sun

Since my daughter was thirteen months old we have vacationed in Atlantis. It's been a few years since we have been here because my husband has this crazy idea that there should be a direct correlation between my income and the number of vacations we take. He worries about money more than anyone I know. Maybe it's because I am capable of spending $1,000 while walking through the airport. There is a candy store in the resort that I have been known to spend upwards of $300 at. In my defense, the bulk rate is $5 per 1/4 pound. When the whole family tags along on vacation I go for a run every morning to pick out our...

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Loyalty

Loyalty

When I was in high school I got into a lot of trouble. I was young, immature, and doing stupid stuff all the time. I was in detention a lot, mostly for being out of uniform because I wore combat boots with my plaid uniform skirt and I always wore black socks instead of navy blue or my shirt was pulled out just a little too far so it could be considered untucked. I didn't really mind detention because it was a place to get all of my homework done in peace and quiet. The one detention I am proud of was for throwing another girl up against the lockers. Now I know this is probably not something most people would be...

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Full Circle

Full Circle

Turning into my dad is scary enough, but I have also married a man just like my dad. I don't even want to think about the psychology behind that one. Years ago we used to make fun of my dad after my mom came home one day to find him painting one of the bedrooms in the house completely naked. He was home alone and didn't want to ruin another shirt with the little paint splatters that accompany a paint roller. It has been a running joke to never show up at my parents' house if my dad is painting. My mom has told everyone she knows about the day she came home and found her husband painting naked, so even her...

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Super Freak

Super Freak

My whole family took a little trip to a fun center out by my parents' lake house this week. The venue had a ton of options including laser tag, trampolines, bumper cars, an escape room, glow in the dark golf and a big arcade. We spent the first twenty minutes trying not to trip over each other while chasing glow in the dark golf balls around the second floor. While doing so I learned two things - my golf game does not improve in the dark and my daughter has not outgrown her poor sportsmanship phase. She makes Happy Gilmore look like a the Dalai Lama. She took about a hundred swings and picked up her ball more...

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Girlfixer

Girlfixer

My daughter was looking through some of my old yearbooks last weekend. As I flipped the pages and looked at pictures of my class, I was a little shocked at how few of my classmates I remembered. I was also shocked that when I saw the picture of one particular girl I was brought right back to being a twelve year old girl and wanting to rip someone's head off. Not so shockingly, it wasn't even the girl, it was her mother. I went to a very small school. There were less than 15 students in my grade and most of us had been in school together since we were very young. One girl that I was good friends with wore...

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