‘Merican
I had the most amusing conversation with a man in the parking lot of a strip mall last week. I was walking out of Michael’s carrying a bag of crafts I probably don’t need and a black and white checkered pot when a man approached me in the parking lot with his hands full of electronics. “Where’s the UPS store?” he asked as he propped up what looked like a stereo on his knee. I must have looked like I had all the answers in the world with my Misfits hoodie and reading glasses perched on top of my unwashed hair. “There isn’t a UPS store in this plaza.” I said as I walked closer to my car. “Well why did Google maps send me here then?” he asked. Clearly this man DID think I had all the answers in the world, so I told him “I don’t know. Probably the same reason it’s now calling the Gulf of Mexico the Gulf of America. It doesn’t know what it’s talking about.” to which he replied “Oh come on, it is the Gulf of America!” At that point I knew I was dealing with an asshat so I told him “there are three UPS stores around here. I’m sure you can figure it out smart guy” and got in my car. I watched him waddle back to his truck with his hands full and try to open the door with one hand while balancing the load with his other arm. I was reminded of something my mom has said – “you can’t fix stupid” and I agree, but sometimes you can play with it.
I have been approached in parking lots multiple times by people asking for directions and I always stop and help them, because they normally begin with something like “excuse me” or “sorry to bother you”. I have also stopped in parking lots to help people who couldn’t load their groceries into their car due to a disability, or taken a cart back to the return when I saw a woman with a baby was trying to decide if she could leave the child alone for those ten seconds because I have been there too. I like to think that my judge of character is pretty spot on and it was in this case. My guess is this guy was trying to make an Amazon return and Google maps was sending him to the Kohl’s where there is an Amazon drop off. Who knows, he may still be driving around, stopping random strangers and demanding they fix his problem, or maybe he called his wife at home and asked for her to help. Not my monkeys, not my circus. I did get a really cool planter out of the trip and a little amusement as well. You really can’t fix stupid.
**Of course I was listening to some fabulous female punk rock while I drove away from Mr. directionally challenged. Check out VIAL if you haven’t already.**
I’m beginning to think some character traits skip a generation. My grandmother used to make up words for things and I do that pretty frequently. Although she used words like “crunkles” to describe crumbs on her clothes and I tend to say things like “son of a seabiscuit” when trying not to swear in front of small children. We both called underwear “bunders” and I am sure she had some made up words for vagina since I only heard her ever call a penis a “jaholacker”. 
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