This Welcoming Committee Sucks!

It's all fun and games until somebody gets a ball in the face!

It’s all fun and games until somebody gets a ball in the face!

This afternoon I was at a picnic at my daughter’s school. There is a new girl in the kindergarten class whom I had met earlier in the week and my daughter of course dragged her right over to sit down with us with her parents in tow. We all had plates of food but did not see where there were any beverages. The catering company had not brought any beverages and it appeared that nobody at the school had yet been informed of this dilemma. Knowing that I was seated with the most impatient, and probably most dehydrated little girl ever to walk the earth I thought it would be best to run right into the field house with some cash. I headed straight for the one and only vending machine in the building and pumped it full of dollar bills while pressing “56” until I had what I thought to be enough bottles of water. I reached down to gather my loot but the door would not budge. I peered into the machine, and there I saw it, a lone bottle of water lodged upright among all of the bottles of water. There it stood, like a big middle finger asking “are you thirsty?” (more…)

Sugar Junkie

The man loves cookies!

The man loves cookies!

My husband is a sugar junkie through and through. Last night at the gym he decided it was a good idea make a stop at Whole Foods on the way home for some cookies from the bakery. When it was determined that neither of us had a wallet, he devised a plan whereby he would use his gym card to buy all kinds of wholesome goodies and take them to Whole Foods where he would find someone using a Bridge Card to pay for their purchases and trade them the previously purchased goodies for a ton of cookies. I pointed out that only a true junkie would find a way to get his sugar and make sure it was paid for by the government. Being the voice of reason that I am, we drove home after the gym and did not try to negotiate any illegal sugar trading in the Whole Foods bakery. Gotta say though, it was tempting.

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I Can Do Hard Things!

Hippy Dippy Egg

Hippy Dippy Egg

Have you ever met someone who seems to be good at everything they do? Pediatrician by day, chef in the evening, pro tennis player on the weekends and super model at every charity event you see her at. Yeah, that bitch! And you can’t even call her a bitch because she isn’t. She is a good friend, the Mom you call when your kid needs a place to hang out after school for a few hours and the neighbor who calls to tell you how sorry she is when she hears your cat died. I am not her, not even close. I come home from work most days and look in the refrigerator with confusion about how my husband can build an actual meal out of the contents, I fall down chasing my daughter playing a game of tag and I arrived an hour late to the last charity event I attended because I had spent the prior two hours rummaging through my closet reminding myself why it’s a good idea to try on dresses before I buy them. (more…)

Thank God my Daughter is a Velma

Riley's hero Velma

Riley’s hero Velma

The other morning while my daughter and I were rocking out to the Hex Girls in the car she pointed out that the song was from the Scooby Doo episode where Daphne was really jealous because Fred was giving the Hex Girls attention. She said “wasn’t that silly Mama, Daphne thought Fred liked the Hex Girls more than her!” I wanted to tell her that of course Fred would be a fool not to like the Hex Girls more than Daphne, but I was a good Mom and stuck to the lesson plan.

Unfortunately most of stories involving both her Dad and me don’t include him giving attention to other females. He’s kind of an introvert and doesn’t give attention to many people at all. My example was from when her Daddy was in a band and I had to contend with all kinds of women trying to get him out of his pants after seeing him perform. I worded it a little differently for her since she spends most saturday mornings trying to get him into his pants as soon as possible usually with the words “eww, Daddy, quit showing me your butt!” It brought me back to one particular night when I heard a few of these women in the ladies room talking about the best possible way to get my husband (then boyfriend) to come home with them. When I watched them approach him twenty minutes later when he was trying to make his way back to the merch booth I giggled a little bit with a friend watching him squirm his way out of the conversation gracefully. (more…)

Demons

I went to a funeral yesterday for a twenty four year old woman. I think everyone would agree this is far too young to die. It was not mentioned in her obituary or at the funeral how she died, only that she died suddenly. “Suddenly”, it’s the code word for in a tragic way that we don’t want to talk about. I get it. If my daughter died because her demons finally won, I don’t know if I could put into words what killed her. I would want her to be remembered for the good she brought to the world, not for how she left it. I don’t know what I would feel if I had to say good bye to my child because the demons won even after we all fought so hard. I don’t even want to think about that kind of pain. (more…)

Just call me Helen

hello my name isI was at a party and a woman whom I have known for a few years walked over with her husband and introduced me as “Kathy”. I corrected her (of course) and we both laughed at how bad we are with names, but for a minute my ego got a little inflamed. It jumped up with it’s big peacock feathers screaming “don’t you know who I am?” and then I remembered that as I was approaching her I was struggling to remember her name, which by all accounts should have been a piece of cake since she shares a name with my Grandmother! Oh ego, you little beast. Of course everyone should know my name. Meanwhile I have walked by the same woman daily for a year saying hello but never calling her by name because I may not have been listening when she told it to me, or I may have never asked her for it to begin with. (more…)

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