The Payoff

The Payoff

My daughter would make a natural politician. She has the gift of gab, she can manipulate the stripes off a zebra and when all else fails, she knows that most problems can be solved with cold hard cash. She has been attempting to use this last technique to avoid doing anything she doesn't want to do lately. Last week I told her to get ready to go to the gym. She explained that it wasn't a good time for her since her friend doesn't go on Tuesdays. When I told her she would have plenty of other kids to play with, she waved a $5 at me and said "you can have THIS if you let me stay home from the gym!" When I asked...

read more
Material Girl

Material Girl

I placed an indefinite moratorium on toy purchases until my child starts enjoying doing things more than buying things. It may be a long time before anything made of plastic is paid for with plastic. We went to the zoo over the weekend and all she wanted to do was check out the gift shops and food stands. She literally walked right by two anteaters without blinking on her way to a bin of stuffed polar bears. How do you walk right by an anteater? It's like a saw horse wearing a shawl. Which end is which? During her three hour quest for cheesy popcorn and anything stuffed or remotely shiny she did stop to see...

read more
No More Words

No More Words

I love the way my seven year old daughter's brain works. In many ways she is like an adult already, but she lacks life experience and she perceives things a bit differently than I do. The other night we were talking about the activities surrounding lent at her school. She told me they had discussed almsgiving and one of the activities would be giving to babies. She brought home an empty plastic baby bottle to fill with money and return to her teacher. She interpreted this act as giving money to babies in general, not just those whose parents struggle to provide for them. She has a teacher who just had a baby....

read more
You Say It’s Your Birthday

You Say It’s Your Birthday

I was born in July. I never knew how lucky my parents were to have a summer baby until I had a child in March and started to throw birthday parties. The weather in Michigan in March is as fickle as Taylor Swift. The day of my daughter's first birthday party in 2012 was an unseasonably warm day. We had to turn on the air conditioning an hour into the party because it was starting to feel like Aruba in August with thirty people in the house. The following year we had to put extra rugs by the front door for people's boots. There was over a foot of snow to remove in the driveway. Needless to say, birthday parties...

read more
Every Breath You Take

Every Breath You Take

My child is stalking a guy on my meditation app. At the end of the meditation a screen appears with a congratulations and a list of people who were using the app at the same time. When the meditation ends, my daughter immediately picks up the phone to look at all of the pictures of the people who were meditating with us. Every night there is someone named Chris who uses a picture that she likes in the list. And every night she tries to click the button to send a "thanks for meditating with me" message. She literally scrolls through pages of little pictures until she finds Chris every single night. I have tried...

read more
That’s What She Said

That’s What She Said

My six year old just handed me her cup that she had filled almost to the top with sparkling fruit water and said "here Mom, have a drink." I knew this was because she had overfilled her cup so I asked her if she needed me to drink some so she could carry it into the other room. Her response was "Well, yeah... you have big jugs!!" Sometimes it takes me a minute to decipher what this kid is trying to say. She is funny and sarcastic but sometimes her vernacular is a little off. My mind was shuffling through all of the phrases that sounded remotely like the words just uttered and finally came to "you take big...

read more
Pretty Vacant

Pretty Vacant

In our house we meditate. We practice both individually and together. If you have met me, I know this is probably hard to believe - but can you imagine what a spaz I would be without meditation? At night before my daughter goes to bed we all meditate together in her bed. We take turns choosing the guided meditation nightly. Whenever it is my daughter's turn she chooses this really bizarre guided journey about a child with an angel friend that looks like a rainbow. It starts out okay enough, even if the main character is named Sarah and "could be a little girl or a little boy". I'm thinking maybe if the main...

read more
Password Protected

Password Protected

Like all good parents we have password protected our devices, including my daughter's Kindle, to prevent her from online shopping and/or purchasing apps or games by herself. You wouldn't think a six year old is able to online shop, but she sees a lot of it going on in our house as well as her grandparents' house. Quality grandma/granddaughter time consists of searching different legos or barbies and scrolling through pages and pages of product photos. Mini-me can even find where the toy is sold for the best price. I don't give my Mom a hard time about this because I know that intelligent shopping is in fact a...

read more
It’ll Eat You From the Inside Out

It’ll Eat You From the Inside Out

Kids are kind of creepy. Once they finally stop spewing bodily fluids out of every orifice after those toddler years, they start spitting out teeth like an MMA fighter. My six year old lost her top two teeth this week after horrifying her grandparents for the week prior when both teeth were flopping around like a pair of swinging doors. This amused me, mostly because my dad is very rarely squeamish and he was just that every time his favorite little body came running at him with her tongue pushing her teeth in and out of her mouth. Somehow I remember losing all of my teeth within a short time period. Maybe it...

read more
We’re Gonna Make You a Star

We’re Gonna Make You a Star

Over the last year my daughter has become intrigued by YouTube. She started watching a woman who bakes and does silly challenges like "not my arms" and a bunch of blindfolded food tasting. Some of the videos are funny, some are stupid and some actually teach my kid how to do something! I became intrigued when I read that this particular YouTube star made $6 million last year. After reading this I jumped right down the rabbit hole and read dozens of articles about people who are YouTube famous. Sadly, the top earner is a guy who makes videos of himself playing video games. People are now so lazy that instead of...

read more
css.php